Do you think your manager hates you or is out to get you? It can be very uncomfortable when you feel your boss has a problem with you. In this article, we’ll share some tips on how you can manage the situation and try to recover the relationship.
We’re all human and sometimes we meet people that we don’t get along with. It could be a personality clash, an argument, or a simple case of ‘chalk and cheese‘ without any open conflict – some people are just hard work! Normally that’s not a big problem. We can choose our friends and keep it strictly professional with co-workers that aren’t our cup of tea.
But when your manager is the person you’re not getting on with, that’s different. They are in a position of power, after all. Maybe it’s a mystery why they seem set against you? Or perhaps some previous incident has turned them against you? Either way, you need to know how to handle it.
There’s no doubt that your manager has considerable power. For example, they can hire, fire, decide who gets assigned interesting (or dull) tasks and who gets a pay rise.
A considerable amount of employment law exists to try and improve the balance of power between a worker and their employer. There are also comprehensive guidelines published by Acas on how to treat employees in a fair and reasonable manner.
Unfortunately, many managers (in both large and small businesses) aren’t well acquainted with these rules and guidelines. In small businesses, there may not be robust HR policies in place, and usually no in-house HR person to advise the management.
Here are some things you can do to help manage your manager.
Many people wonder how they can prove what somebody said or did. You may also be worried about getting stuck in a “my word vs. theirs” situation.
First, take notes of significant events; conversations, behaviour and so on. You don’t need to be taking detailed minutes of everything people are doing, only of things relevant to the problem you’re having.
Make a summarised note of what happened with the date and time. This could prove a useful reference later, for example if you need to compile a credible timeline for a complaint.
With more serious situations involving harassment and discrimination, you should try and note some additional information:
But what about comments your manager makes verbally? If something significant has been said, we recommend that you follow up with an email. Something like this...
I just want to summarise the key points from our conversation earlier. You said … [etc.]
Or this...
Can I just clarify what you meant by […] when you spoke to me earlier?
This gives you and your manager a chance to ensure there was no misunderstanding. It helps establish something ‘on the record’. Your manager will either have to confirm or clarify the narrative. If they choose to ignore your email, that’s fine. Your position would be that if what you said was wrong, why didn’t they correct you?
Also, any email dialogue with you (or about you) could be ‘discoverable’. You can use a DSAR – Data Subject Access Request – to gain access to all data referencing you. This includes emails, performance ratings, and so on. Another good reason to push a potentially relevant conversation into a written format.
However, don't get trigger happy. Filing a DSAR with your HR department is something you would normally only do if something is so bad that you're in a legal dispute. If you push the DSAR button every time you feel uneasy about something, the employer can legitimately push back on the grounds that the number of requests you're making is unreasonable.
One of the most unpleasant situations for an employee is where they are being harassed by someone in authority. This could be bullying or sexual harassment, which includes being treated unfavourably because you’ve rejected a previous advance.
Harassment is unwanted behaviour which you find offensive or which makes you feel intimidated or humiliated.
Sexual harassment is unwanted behaviour of a sexual nature which violates your dignity, makes you feel intimidated, degraded or humiliated and creates a hostile or offensive environment.
Harassment can come in many forms and isn't just limited to physical contact. For example:
Harassment may also be unlawful discrimination where the unwanted behaviour relates to any of the protected characteristics, which are:
The intent of the harasser is irrelevant. Harassment is still harassment, even if the person doing it “didn’t mean it”.
Also, you don’t need to have previously objected to something for it to be unwanted. That means people can’t use “but they didn’t say anything” as a defence.
In a civil proceeding, which includes employment cases, you do not need proof ‘beyond reasonable doubt’. People sometimes make the mistake of thinking that, in a “their word against yours” situation, they will win because you don’t have any hard evidence.
That’s not true.
First, the threshold of proof is ‘on the balance of probabilities’. That’s a lower threshold than ‘beyond reasonable doubt’. You don’t need incontrovertible evidence, you just need to present an argument that – on the balance of probability – has enough substance to show you have a valid complaint. This applies to both grievance and disciplinary procedures.
Also, in some cases all you need is a credible complaint and the burden of proof shifts to the employer. For example, if you can show that you have reasonable grounds for believing you have been a victim of discrimination, an Employment Tribunal will expect the employer to prove there wasn’t any.
Okay, we do have to face some hard truths and do a reality check...
Let’s start with Hanlon’s Razor. This is an aphorism that warns us against misinterpreting mistakes and incompetence as malign or malicious acts.
In our experience, it’s common for people to assume the worst after misreading a situation. This can be magnified when negative emotions are also involved.
Secondly, when people passionately believe they have a valid complaint, they sometimes struggle to understand that the righteousness of their case isn’t obvious. Just because you can’t think of another explanation for your manager’s behaviour, that doesn’t mean there isn’t one. There is almost always another side to the story.
We're not saying you don’t have a valid concern. But one of the first things you need to do is objectively appraise the situation. What evidence do you have for your concerns? Have you tried raising these concerns and seeking clarification? Remember, your goal is to reach a positive outcome. It can be easy for a growing conflict to become adversarial. You want to avoid this happening. If it does, people become focused more on winning the argument than solving the original problem
If you need to raise your concerns with your manager, we have some advice for you.
First, keep your cool. Make sure you stay professional, calm and rational. People struggle to receive a message if it’s delivered in a confrontational, emotional manner. Their psychological ‘blast shields’ will come down, and the actual content of your message will be lost in the noise of your delivery.
Second, focus on the facts, not your emotions. Never present your concerns from a J’accuse standpoint, where you call your manager out for doing something wrong. At best, that will cause a defensive reaction. Instead, talk about your observations from a neutral point of view, e.g.:
There was this occasion where you said <example>, and I was wanted to clarify what you meant
or
When you did <some action>, I wasn’t sure that I understood the rationale. I thought I’d check in with you to make sure we’re on the same page.
Third, if you have a disagreement over a decision or direction, offer a constructive counter proposal. Remember that there are two fundamental attitudes to change: “why we can’t” vs “how we can”. Always be the “how we can” person. For example, consider the difference between these two statements:
We can’t do that because <reasons>
and
I have some ideas on how we might do it better.
Which of these two approaches do you think will get a more open ear?
Finally, as we said above, keep notes and/or follow up with an email to confirm the key points and outcome.
If you find yourself in a genuine conflict where you may need to raise a grievance with HR, being able to show that you’ve tried to rationally resolve the problem (and having the notes to prove it) will serve you well.
If you actually do raise a grievance, make it clear that you’re after a positive outcome to your concerns, rather than trying to punish a manager. HR professionals prefer situations where there’s a genuine desire to rebuild a positive working relationship. If your posture is too entrenched and adversarial, you risk HR looking at you as a problem child to be “managed”, rather than as an employee to support.
Obviously, if your manager is actually guilty of discrimination or harassment, etc. then you should absolutely pursue that complaint using all the evidence you’ve gained by following our advice above.
